1. |
Managing
01:48
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As far back as I can recall
I’ve dealt with anxiety
And, then came the depression
And finally, the confused or disordered thinking
And, the thing is I am medicated
I have a diagnosis
I’m pushing through the stigma
The every day fight
It’s not easy
The instability in my thinking
And, that’s what is hurting me
My diagnosis doesn’t matter
I am managing my mental health
For me personally,
I just want to feel good
To go a half a day even
Without problems
Without my troubles
Affecting my mood
Yes, I have a mental health diagnosis
But, not everyone does
And, some people live
Unimaginable lives
It’s not easy
The instability in my thinking
And, that’s what is hurting me
My diagnosis doesn’t matter
I am managing my mental health
BREAK
It’s not easy
The instability in my thinking
And, that’s what is hurting me
My diagnosis doesn’t matter
I am managing my mental health
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2. |
SMI
01:50
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There is rarely an idle moment
Where I don’t think about how to
Make things better
My life is what it is
And, used to be so much smoother
I mean, there were times of love and of laughter then
That don’t compare to where I’m at today, right now, in the present
I’ve had to learn how to get along again
To function
I’ve had to learn how to not be
Stuck
In delusion
BREAK
This is incredibly difficult
To say the least
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy
Having said all of that, there are good times too
It’s just that they’re fleeting
I can’t go a half a day usually
Without a catastrophe
And, what’s not catastrophic
Is collasal
I just wouldn’t have thought this
Would be my life
So tired of mental illness
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3. |
Outlook
01:38
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There is rarely an idle moment
Where I don’t think about how to
Make things better
My life is what it is
And, used to be so much smoother
I mean, there were times of love and of laughter then
That don’t compare to where I’m at today, right now, in the present
I’ve had to learn how to get along again
To function
I’ve had to learn how to not be
Stuck
In delusion
BREAK
This is incredibly difficult
To say the least
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy
Having said all of that, there are good times too
It’s just that they’re fleeting
I can’t go a half a day usually
Without a catastrophe
And, what’s not catastrophic
Is colossal
I just wouldn’t have thought this
Would be my life
So tired of mental illness
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4. |
Inpatient
02:02
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This life I live is a rollercoaster
And, I have such a difficult time
No matter the day to day situation
I’m still here, alive, and doing fine
I say fine as in okay as in
Many are doing worse
I work hard to stay busy, to stay active
In all things music, I am finding worth
I didn’t think I’d ever really be here
I didn’t think I’d ever say goodbye
To a life I was barely holding onto
And hello to a life where I try
What was it that made me change things?
It was my desire to go for more
I had skills to learn, people to meet, and love to find
And, all of this made the difference
There stood a chance I wouldn’t make it
I always run the risk of that
But, by following a regimen and keeping busy
I haven’t had to go back
I didn’t think I’d ever really be here
I didn’t think I’d ever say goodbye
To a life I was barely holding onto
And hello to a life where I try
BREAK
I didn’t think I’d ever really be here
I didn’t think I’d ever say goodbye
To a life I was barely holding onto
And hello to a life where I try
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5. |
Self-care
01:27
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Self-care is my achilles heal
It’s the one thing I must do
To keep up with my self-care
Proves to be difficult
I’m saddened to say this
It’s difficult to share
That the things I do are bandages
For a much larger problem
Lack of motivation, anhedonia
The negative symptoms of schizophrenia
Often stop me before I begin
How do I create?
In all honesty that’s what I do to stay alive
It’s everything to me
Being creative is what has saved me
BREAK
And, at the end of the day
I have such a difficult time
Moving into my self-care space
But, I’m trying
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6. |
Repetition
01:50
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Repetition
There is a place inside
All of us
That wants to be alive
And, lately I’ve found
My poetry and music
Satisfies
This retreat
Repetition is
The key to learning
All that is formidable
From a place of yearning
Repetition
There is a place inside
All of us
That wants to be alive
And, lately I’ve found
My poetry and music
Satisfies
This retreat
I have uttered mantras
Affirmations
And reminders
All with a focus of strengthening
My resolve
Repetition
There is a place inside
All of us
That wants to be alive
And, lately I’ve found
My poetry and music
Satisfies
This retreat
BREAK
Repetition
There is a place inside
All of us
That wants to be alive
And, lately I’ve found
My poetry and music
Satisfies
This retreat
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7. |
Vessel
01:14
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It’s the fear that’s hard to handle
It’s the all of a sudden
Burst of anxiety
The moments of being scared that take me
Out of the reality
I was in
I am not a well person
Though not acutely ill
I can’t blame it on drugs, but that is something
That a lot of people struggle to find peace with
Rest assured, you are doing your best
BREAK
I’d like to think of my work as a vessel
To a place somewhere deep inside the mind
That gets “us”
Those who are affected by mental illness
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8. |
Win-win
01:50
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I haven’t got myself there
I’ve said many a prayer
And, if I’m to be lifted up out of this situation
And get unstuck
I’ll need to do something
Looking back, I felt some pain
In high school
It was a crying game
Depression that wasn’t strong enough
To take over my heart and mind completely
20 years later, and I’ve overcome aspects of what I deal with
I’m managing chronic mental illness
And, there’s no win-win anymore
BREAK
From suicidal thoughts to delusions and other symptoms
I’m doing my absolute best
Just to get through all of these things
Knowing I am aging and other health issues are on the horizon
I am doing things to keep my eyes on
The notion that one day this will all be finished
And, that one day the pain will all be done
Not so much in my lifetime
But, hopefully for someone, somewhere else
There will be a win-win
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Fat Boy Jamz
I write spoken word…
“You’ve put it out there for revelation and information. Reflection, too. I
appreciate this very much.”
“I love your message. I love that you're out here, with style and rhythm, telling it like it is, indeed!”
“I really enjoy your spoken word, it draws you in and makes you pay attention.”
Please support this indie music at fatboyjamz.bandcamp.com or patreon.com/FatBoyJamz.
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