1. |
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|
I’m moving forward
I don’t really like the past
I see it as a teacher
And, where depression lives
I used to spend a lot of time there
Worrying, thinking, reliving
All of my mishaps
And, it didn’t amount to anything good
And, there is some kind of force
That’s keeping me here
In the present, the here and now
Right now, I like to be here
The future
That’s a place that makes me think
Of all the things and ways
I’d like to behave
However, that isn’t here either
It’s too far away
Knowing the unknown awaits me
Makes me want to do things today
And, there is some kind of force
That’s keeping me here
In the present, the here and now
Right now, I like to be here
So, what does all of this tell you?
For me, it spells relief
There are lots of ways of looking at life
And, none of them so great
As the here and now, the life that so eagerly awaits
A beautiful sense of peace
And love
Of all the things I have yet to taste
SOLO
And, there is some kind of force
That’s keeping me here
In the present, the here and now
Right now, I like to be here
|
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2. |
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Once upon a time
I hit rock bottom
I veered my dad’s vehicle into the ditch
And nearly got us killed
I crawled out of the window
Of a perfectly working car door
And, walked to a nearby creek
To baptize myself
You see, a psychotic episode
Is outside of your control
It can happen when you’re manic
And, you will surely lose control
It usually happens when you’re ill in general
The most often type of time
In a psychotic episode
Your brain and life are simply unkind
SOLO
No matter what they say
You can get back to good
After all that may have happened
You may one day find I’m right
That medication and a regimen
Have all the makings of a life
For the person with mental illness
You may one day find I’m right
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3. |
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|
I once made myself a promise
Although it didn’t last
I told myself I’d always be a certain way
For the rest of my days
I learned I have this freedom
The freedom to feel good
It’s a necessary freedom
A freedom that’s my right
You have that right too
The right to feel good
It’s a necessary right
Of the few you might have
What I’ve come to realize
Is that life has a way of changing you
And, that with all the pros and cons
Psych meds may just save you
In an instant my life changed
Or was it the gradual build up
Of things that were done
That are often hard to explain
But, maybe there’s an answer
For me and many of you
I think it’s that we aren’t always aware
Of all the things we often do
Still, time has a way of healing
For each and all of us
We can do what we have to
Without a thought or fuss
What I’ve come to realize
Is that life has a way of changing you
And, that with all the pros and cons
Psych meds may just save you
SOLO
What I’ve come to realize
Is that life has a way of changing you
And, that with all the pros and cons
Psych meds may just save you
|
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4. |
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|
The doctors, they tell you they understand
And, then when you’re somber and show your hand
There’s a reluctance by them to tell you, you’re not alone
The feeling is why can’t I do this or that?
Why can’t I just try?
The sense is why shouldn’t I be freed?
Why shouldn’t I just see?
That everything I’ve been aiming for is within my reach
But, I don’t believe that
With 7 psych drugs and a DIY schedule
I surely try
And, I am not down for the count
I continue to make the best of a bad situation
And, while the meds are so difficult, at times, to tolerate
I would be lost without them
SOLO
Some days I’m already lost
Some days I’m half-way gone
But, with the help of others, and armed with caffeine
I try to take on the world
My world, my life, my sanity
Is at stake
For there is nothing more immediate
That trying not to take
All that I’ve got for granted
Especially my health
As there is a propensity to remain inactive
Without a chance to at least
Walk that mile
So, I remain resilient and confident
And, do my best to try
Once again
One mile becomes two and the next thing you know, I’m brushing my teeth
I’m combing my hair, wearing my hearing aids
And, doing my chores
But, the facts are
I am not always that strong
I will try my best, damn it
To be here for a time that is long
|
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5. |
Greater Stability
02:02
|
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|
Once upon a time
I was on my way to a detour
And, I got stuck
Unable to make the change
And, now that I’m here again
In a place that makes sense
I have to remind myself that
The hate is long gone
I’m not alone either
But, I am in the minority
Of people, places, and things
Getting my shit together
There is so much to say
That I’ll have to find a way
To make sense of the senseless
And, try another day
Live in the season of chance
The season of circumstance
Time heals near everything
Even the old days
I am doing things differently
As now I see better
I wasn’t always able to
As I lacked the stability
SOLO
In the end, I’ve found a way
And, it’s at best 50/50
In favor of good meds
In favor of growth
|
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6. |
Died By Suicide
02:14
|
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|
I am compassionate for you and how you died by suicide
None of what you or I or anyone with serious mental illness
Goes through, can be understood by everyone
I live what made you do it
I’m not sure how you did it
Just that you’re no longer with us
Few will understand
Nor will they care
That a person with our illness is dead
I am compassionate for you and how you died by suicide
None of what you or I or anyone with serious mental illness
Goes through, can be understood by everyone
You had that soothing persona
Fighting a difficult battle
It couldn’t have been easy
We were a lot alike
And, I learned so much from you
I am compassionate for you and how you died by suicide
None of what you or I or anyone with serious mental illness
Goes through, can be understood by everyone
Thanks for being a part of my life
For being someone I could query
You were a person that cared
For most everyone, but yourself
I am compassionate for you and how you died by suicide
None of what you or I or anyone with serious mental illness
Goes through, can be understood by everyone
SOLO
I am compassionate for you and how you died by suicide
None of what you or I or anyone with serious mental illness
Goes through, can be understood by everyone
|
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7. |
Somber
02:06
|
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|
There were some times in my life
When I didn’t do things right
But now, love has happened
And, I’m trying to make amends
You wouldn’t know me now
If you even knew me then
Cause now I’m a lot more somber
As strange as that may sound
I do things differently
I take my time more often than not
And, I think of the consequences
The good, the bad, the everything in-between
You wouldn’t know me now
If you even knew me then
Cause now I’m a lot more somber
As strange as that may sound
There’s a road I’m on
It’s not that familiar to most
A road of self-development
Minus all the politics
You wouldn’t know me now
If you even knew me then
Cause now I’m a lot more somber
As strange as that may sound
SOLO
You wouldn’t know me now
If you even knew me then
Cause now I’m a lot more somber
As strange as that may sound
Thinking that things
Will be different
If you were by my side
But, I’m pretty sure that
All of that is a lie
|
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8. |
Music Makes My Day
01:28
|
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|
What else can I say
Music is good
Music makes my day
Music makes my day
Music changed my life
I’m not sure how else to say it
I’m doing things I’ve never done before
All because music moves me
What else can I say
Music is good
Music makes my day
Music makes my day
I’m going in a direction with my songs
That I’m proud of
Making music that I can look back upon
With fondness
What else can I say
Music is good
Music makes my day
Music makes my day
SOLO
What else can I say
Music is good
Music makes my day
Music makes my day
And, in the end it will be music
That is played at my funeral
Long live sound
|
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9. |
Forevermore
01:22
|
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|
There was an answer
To a question I had to ask
That escaped me and made me
Delve into my past
While there, I saw diamonds
And pearls and all of the pretty things
Knowing full well I was dreaming
Of a life that couldn’t be
There is nothing so unearthing
Then to say there’s something more
When all we know is there could be
And that’s what helps us live forevermore
SOLO
But, what if that doesn’t do it for you
And, all you want to do
Is rethink, relive, and redo
All the pain you once knew
For me, that is trauma
And, no one knows it more
Than the person trying to escape it
Each and every day, forevermore
|
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10. |
In-between All This Pain
01:28
|
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|
I don’t want to be
Here without you
I’d like to make plans
With just the two of us
Together
Here in our home
BREAK
We have a life
Worth living
A love that matters
In-between all
Of this pain
I want you
By my side
BREAK
There could never
Be another
No one
Stacks up to you
I feel love
With everything
You do
BREAK
It might not be
A miracle
That we
Are together
But, it sure as hell is
A show stopper
|
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11. |
Trying To Find A Way
01:28
|
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|
I walked through the valley of shadows
Trying to find a way
To make sense of the Bible
And, things that happen today
But, nothing and I mean nothing
Made sense to this person here
I’m on a path of my own choosing
Trying to find a way
There is a situation
A belief that makes no sense
That I am god—well, no one’s god
Except maybe the self-appointed elite
BREAK
I’m trying to find a way
Amidst all of the pain
Saying and doing things better
At least throughout the day
At night it’s a different story
For there really isn’t any glory
For you or for me or for
The lack of sanity that comes over
More than me
BREAK
Maybe I will find a way
To be better than today
A way that suits my fancy
A way for me to convey
|
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12. |
I Am Okay
02:03
|
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|
No one wants to hear about it
No one wants to talk about it
No one wants to know
That it’s okay to be taking psych meds
It’s okay to break down
But, it’s not okay to act “crazy”
It’s okay to not have a label
It’s okay to not have any friends
But is all of this true?
Because for me, having a label and learning how to make friends again, has all but saved my life
Literally and figuratively
I’m doing as much as I can
Right now to make everything work
To make things okay
SOLO
All the way around
I want to live a bit more, a bit longer
I want to give a lot more, and be a lot stronger
This is what I have to do for myself
And, no one else
For me, the person standing in front of you here today
I will soon return to a place of happiness
I will soon learn and relearn what it means to be stable
And, not always be symptomatic
Because I know I can make these things happen
All of them
One by one
I am okay
|
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13. |
The Truth Of The Matter
02:36
|
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|
Something sad must have happened to you
When you were just a child
Something bad must have happened to you
When you were on your way out
I was born 50 years ago
In a time I can barely describe
Things were difficult in those days
But, then again so are things now
Something sad must have happened to you
When you were just a child
Something bad must have happened to you
When you were on your way out
Making it today is hard and never easy
Creating things your way is always tough
I haven’t always moved towards simplicity
But, lately that’s all I care about
Something sad must have happened to you
When you were just a child
Something bad must have happened to you
When you were on your way out
SOLO
And, in the end
We will both go our ways
Through the land of the rough
And, we’ll each speak our peace
Even though it may be tough
Something sad must have happened to you
When you were just a child
Something bad must have happened to you
When you were on your way out
|
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14. |
||||
|
I know sinners
And, I know saints
I know every kind in-between
And, few of them think I’m crazy
I’m familiar with your extensive beliefs
None of which come close to
All the things I’ve found in you
My world may not be that big
But, my heart and reach surely can be
My world may not always have laughter
But, what I lack I make up with time
I often have a serious flair or several
And, I will always have thoughts that waver
Except on the things I’ve found in you
SOLO
Yes, my heart is big and that’s what matters
After all the things I’ve found in you
|
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Fat Boy Jamz
I write spoken word…
“You’ve put it out there for revelation and information. Reflection, too. I
appreciate this very much.”
“I love your message. I love that you're out here, with style and rhythm, telling it like it is, indeed!”
“I really enjoy your spoken word, it draws you in and makes you pay attention.”
Please support this indie music at fatboyjamz.bandcamp.com or patreon.com/FatBoyJamz.
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